1 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:08,440 Blooming heck, 2 00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:12,200 these tatties weigh near as much as your mother's arse, Siobhan! 3 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:14,240 Prontius, what have I told you about that sort of language 4 00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:15,480 in front of Flan? 5 00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:18,880 He's a big boy, Siobhan. Aren't ya, son? 6 00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:21,440 Is this actually how people used to live back then? 7 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:24,320 Well, part of Cally's new job is the recreation of history, 8 00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:27,960 but I think he's playing this a little fast and loose, hai. 9 00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,280 God, it's incredible. 10 00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:31,800 No phones, no distractions. 11 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:34,000 People just really living in the moment. 12 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:35,760 Here, give me this boy here. 13 00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:37,400 - Will we go for a wee jig? - Oh! 14 00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:38,760 Will we go for a wee jig? 15 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:47,280 - Whey! - Woo! 16 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:52,080 - Well done, Cal! - So good! - Well done, hai! 17 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:58,360 God, Callum, I've really got to say you are, like, really good 18 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:00,640 at playing a scum of the earth peasant farmer. 19 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:04,480 I think you mean salt of the earth, Gemma, but thank you so much. 20 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:07,880 Well I'll tell yous, after all that bad stuff that happened last year... 21 00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:09,920 You smoking a drug from your bum? 22 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:15,360 Just made me realise that life is about the simple stuff. 23 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:18,080 And what could be more simple than being a silly little Irish 24 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,040 peasant farmer in the mid-19th century 25 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:23,120 who solely relies on potato as his only crop. 26 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:25,720 Well, look, we've all experimented with drugs. 27 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:27,600 I used to huff petrol. 28 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:28,840 Chewy vitamins. 29 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:32,400 Yeah, and I actually smoked a fair amount of DMT back in the day. 30 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,840 The important thing is, much like Davina McCall, 31 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:37,600 you dropped the skag and you bounced back. 32 00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:40,640 Good boy, good boy. Get enough milk there now? 33 00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:42,480 Good, good. 34 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,960 Have I bloody ever! 35 00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:47,760 You're on the up and you're never coming down, hai. 36 00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:49,400 CHUCKLING 37 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,000 THUNDER RUMBLES 38 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,560 Bloody amateurs. 39 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:24,480 Man, I wish I lived back in the 19th century. 40 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:25,720 Why is that, sham? 41 00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:27,360 Because everyone these days is obsessed with 42 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:28,560 having a big, fat batty. 43 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:31,520 Back then, having a flat bum like me was totally normal and cool. 44 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:33,400 You've got plenty of meat in that wagon, hai. 45 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:35,520 I'm as flat as a day-old fizzy orange. 46 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:37,120 Born in the wrong era much? 47 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:41,360 Oh, guys, the new museum director - a real stickler for accuracy. 48 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:44,720 People say he hasn't even left the folk park since he got here. 49 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:47,280 Sleeps in the tannery under a cow hide. 50 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,360 That's what I call bloody commitment. 51 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,160 The humble Irish lumper... 52 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:59,480 ..known for its ability to thrive in harsh conditions. 53 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:02,280 Much like the people of this great land. 54 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:04,240 Fighters, survivors... 55 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:06,720 ..but most of all... 56 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,440 ..poor bloody blighters. 57 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:15,320 Blight is upon us. 58 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,200 GEMMA GASPS 59 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,200 Oh, no! 60 00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:18,720 That's tara, boy. 61 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,920 OK, I don't want to live in old times any more. 62 00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:23,080 That does not look like fun. 63 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:25,120 The famine wasn't fun, sham. 64 00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:26,880 What the hell's a famine? 65 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:29,520 When all the potatoes in Ireland turned to rot. 66 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:33,520 Jordan, one million people starved to death. 67 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:37,720 Shit! A million! That...that's a lot. 68 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,840 That's why their bums were so flat. 69 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:43,280 They were hungry, had their arses starved by a blight 70 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:44,640 and England, hai. 71 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:47,720 Maybe now yer wee flat arse doesn't seem like such a big deal, eh? 72 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:52,920 Me and my selfish flat ass. 73 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,880 Blight is upon us, plump lad! 74 00:03:57,880 --> 00:03:59,240 Oh... 75 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:20,720 What's wrong with him? 76 00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:22,440 Well, you know the million people 77 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:24,600 who died during the Irish Potato Famine? 78 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:25,840 Yeah. 79 00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:27,920 Yeah, he just found out. 80 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:29,360 Oh, dear. 81 00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:32,440 Yeah, it's hitting him hard. 82 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,160 His empathy must have come through. 83 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:35,400 His empathy? 84 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:39,160 Yeah, you know, most people develop empathy around the age six to nine, 85 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:42,200 but Jordan was always uniquely selfish. 86 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:44,360 His empathy balls never really dropped. 87 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:47,040 The mass scale of human suffering in the potato famine 88 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,240 must have finally done the trick. 89 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:50,920 Yeah, every cloud, I guess. 90 00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:58,080 Hey, Cal? 91 00:04:58,080 --> 00:04:59,520 Yeah, bud? 92 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:05,880 Why are there poor people in the world when I have so much stuff? 93 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:08,200 That's a good question, J-man. 94 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,440 I think it's better to forget about those big old questions 95 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,920 and just enjoy the little things. 96 00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:15,360 Goodnight! 97 00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:19,720 The lady at the gift shop said that little boys didn't have 98 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:22,280 sweeties back then, and they had to fill their bellies with gravel. 99 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:24,440 Yeah, well, maybe you could take a leaf out of their book 100 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,600 and stop eating so many sweeties yourself, Mr Sweetie Monster. 101 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:29,400 Right, goodnight! 102 00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:36,760 And she said some children were so hungry they turned to cannibalism 103 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:39,360 and ate their own freshly starved-to-death parents. 104 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:41,840 Hai, lad, no-one needs to be hearing that this late at night, Jordan. 105 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:44,280 It was bad. I'm aware of that. 106 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:50,960 Night, Cal. 107 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,200 Night. 108 00:05:58,120 --> 00:05:59,840 Oh, my God! 109 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,480 Bless their poor souls. 110 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:08,560 Ah, come on, Flan! Keep your eye on the ball, son! 111 00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:10,960 Ohhh! Well done, Flan! 112 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,760 Oh, that's a good catch, son! 113 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,480 Men and their sports, am I right, girls? 114 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,520 Some things never change. 115 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:20,440 Salutations. 116 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:28,320 Prontius O'Hara. You must be our new land steward, is that right? 117 00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:29,920 Marquess Harrington. 118 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:32,720 Come along now, Flan, leave the men to their business. 119 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,520 No place for women or babas. 120 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:38,160 My dear, don't let me interrupt this family gathering. 121 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:39,880 Play's important for a young lad. 122 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:43,000 What is it they say? 123 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:46,400 All work and no play makes Flan a dull boy. 124 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:47,720 SHE LAUGHS FEEBLY 125 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:54,320 And, Prontius, what would all play and no work make for? 126 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:55,600 Oh, sire, I... 127 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:57,680 An angry land steward, that's what! 128 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:04,920 I apologise. The crops have been a bit light due to the potato blight. 129 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:07,080 I believe the learned men are calling it 130 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:09,400 the Phytophthora infestans. 131 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:12,640 I don't want a science lesson, you slack-faced lick arse! 132 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,480 I'm here to collect the rent! 133 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,600 And you'd better have it soon or may God have mercy on your poor, 134 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:20,200 feckless little effing soul! 135 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:24,640 Because I certainly won't. 136 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:33,880 Two minutes, Mildred. 137 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:40,520 Er, Phillip. 138 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:41,880 Could I have a wee word? 139 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:43,520 Hey, Callum, mate, how're you doing? 140 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:46,160 Good, good. Um... 141 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:49,840 Yeah, I just wanted to let you know this job has been great for me. 142 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:52,800 - Ahh. - Good, honest work, a beautiful family. 143 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:55,240 Just great for the old noggin blues, you know. 144 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,280 Aye. 145 00:07:57,280 --> 00:08:01,480 I do think you might have just gone a wee bit too far back there. 146 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:02,680 Just... Just a wee bit. 147 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,120 Too far? 148 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:06,640 Yeah. 149 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,400 I know I'm sounding crazy right now, 150 00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:12,240 but it almost begins to feel like a real peasant-landlord dynamic. 151 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:16,160 I don't think that doesn't sounds crazy at all. 152 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,200 Callum, let me tell you a story. 153 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:21,840 Do you know what a background artist is? 154 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,640 Yeah, like an extra. 155 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:25,240 A background artist. 156 00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:29,720 Well, I was a BA on a little film called The Passion Of The Christ. 157 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:32,760 I was working the am-dram circuit in Ballymacnoose 158 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:35,960 when Mel's casting director's assistant's brother saw me 159 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:38,640 in an all-adult production of Lord Of The Flies. 160 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,400 It didn't work so well without the child actors, 161 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:44,600 but it was enough for me to get my foot in the door. 162 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:47,720 Next thing I know, I'm in the Basilicata region of southern Italy 163 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:51,000 watching Jesus Christ himself carry the cross to Golgotha. 164 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:52,480 Oh, my God! 165 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:55,480 Oh, no, no, no - the son of God. 166 00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:57,520 And here's the kicker. 167 00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:02,200 Out of all the hundreds of background artists, Mel selected me. 168 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,480 He parted the crowd like the Red Sea, 169 00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:06,720 he handed me a rock and he said, 170 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:10,160 "I want you to throw this at Jesus's head." 171 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,800 I said, "Well, Mel, yeah, but I won't actually, 172 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:17,400 "because it's quite heavy and it'll hurt...John Caviezel." 173 00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:21,560 And he told me - and I'll never forget this - 174 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:24,440 he said, "You think the rock's going to hurt him? 175 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:26,760 "Wait till you see what I've got in store for him 176 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,040 "at the top of that hill." 177 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:33,360 Actors bleed for their craft. 178 00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:36,720 Well, no, I know that, it's just when you slapped me 179 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:39,160 - and you choked me, it almost... - It almost seems real? 180 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:42,160 Like I really am a 19th century land steward 181 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:45,800 and you really are a rural farmer under my stewardship? 182 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:47,680 Ah? 183 00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:50,160 You see, you've got it. It's in you. 184 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:51,640 I knew when I interviewed you, 185 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:54,960 you were going to make a phenomenal peasant. 186 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,440 You really think so? 187 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,120 Get out of here. 188 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,760 Are you sure you want to be doing this, sham? 189 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,760 I don't know how much benefit the children in Namibia are going to get 190 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:23,720 from Family Guy season 17. 191 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:25,760 Laughter is the best medicine. 192 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:27,320 The children of Namibia will be 193 00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:29,720 chuckling their asses to good health. Trust me. 194 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,120 - Hey, hey, Jordan... - Yes? 195 00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:36,640 I just want to say, on behalf of all of England, 196 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:39,560 I am so sorry that we didn't do more 197 00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:42,360 to help during the Irish Potato Famine, and I... 198 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,280 - Bless you. - ..I just didn't realise 199 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:47,360 we were such little fuckers, I swear. 200 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,000 Please forgive us! 201 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:52,600 I forgive... 202 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,520 ..but I don't forget. 203 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:56,720 My heart holds the pain of my people, 204 00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:59,120 and it makes me really, really sad. 205 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:00,960 I'm going to fix this, Jordan. 206 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:03,040 Even if it means going back in time 207 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:05,400 with like 50 billion spuds in my bag. 208 00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:07,040 I'll fix it! 209 00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,240 Bless you. 210 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:10,960 Go on, my child. 211 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,760 Now, Gemma, you know fine rightly that's an unrealistic proposition. 212 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,520 I've a got bad feeling about this. 213 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:22,160 I don't know how much of this empathy stuff suits the likes 214 00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:24,840 of Jordan. He's no Bob Geldof. 215 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,840 I hear you, Lorcy, but me and England, 216 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:28,480 we have a lot to answer for. 217 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:32,200 And if I can help just one generational famine sufferer 218 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:36,160 like Jordan, then maybe it'll make all the difference. 219 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:38,760 Yeah? 220 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:43,680 OK. 221 00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:45,480 Bless you. 222 00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:48,160 Bless you, my child. 223 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:57,520 Agh. 224 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,600 Prontius, you're working very hard. 225 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:04,280 Would you not like to play the bodhran 226 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:07,520 and sing a song for Flan and our visitors? 227 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:11,360 Work one's arse to the bone and expected to play a poxy tune. 228 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:13,600 Leave me to me toil, Siobhan, will ye? 229 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,840 Your fealty has not gone unnoticed. 230 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,160 Oh! 231 00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:26,880 Oh, Christ! Thank you, sir! 232 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,120 Thank you! 233 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:33,240 I wanted you to clean it, not eat it, you clod! 234 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:38,440 Don't let the child see his father like this, Siobhan. Don't let him. 235 00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:43,840 What age are you, son? 236 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:47,000 Oh, he's nine, sir. A sharp mind. 237 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:50,840 Mrs Farringdon says he may well have a future in academia. 238 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:54,400 Mrs Farringdon is a pair of whore's knickers. 239 00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:59,400 That's a good, ripe age. 240 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:01,200 To the workhouse, lad! 241 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:06,440 Prontius, stop him! 242 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,720 He'll do well in the workhouse, love. He's a strong lad. 243 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,520 He'll do well. 244 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:17,480 HIGH—PITCHED VOICE: Father, nooooooo! 245 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:19,080 Help meeeeee! 246 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:26,400 Where are you, Lord? 247 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:27,960 Cos you're not here. 248 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,560 Hmm. 249 00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:39,240 Sometimes a good whack to the face 250 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:41,440 - can really centre a performance. - Mm. 251 00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:45,160 Funny, I know he's not a real boy, but... 252 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,760 ..he makes me feel like a real dad. 253 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:51,280 Hmm. 254 00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:52,560 I never had a daddy. 255 00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,320 And I want to give him the life I never had. 256 00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:58,280 Master Flan is in safe hands. 257 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:04,240 You're such a good peasant. 258 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:07,960 You know, you're the best peasant I've ever had. 259 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:10,800 Thank you, Phillip. 260 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:12,360 You're a kind master. 261 00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,040 You're good at playing a master. 262 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:15,880 We've only but scratched the surface! 263 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:18,080 Let's push it further, lad. 264 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:22,280 Say it, lad. 265 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:25,000 Yes, master. 266 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:26,720 Huh. 267 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:28,240 Ah. 268 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:49,320 The ad was a complete mistake. He put it in there. 269 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:51,960 The ad said someone who needs it - well, I fucking need it. 270 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,440 What's going on? 271 00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:56,360 I helped Jordan sell his dad's car on the Ballymacnoose bulletin. 272 00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:57,920 I thought it was for a good cause. 273 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,600 Daddy, did you hear what she said? She needs the car! 274 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,280 - I do need the car. - I need the car... 275 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:03,920 I never thought I'd say this, 276 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:06,880 but I think Jordan's become a little too selfless. 277 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:10,040 Hmm, his self is, like, completely gone. 278 00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:12,600 He's become the Jor-Dalai Lama. 279 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,280 This is historical reparations for your car famine. 280 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,400 - Thanks very much. - If we don't learn from our past, 281 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,600 we'll never drive towards a better future. 282 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:24,160 My Uncle Tony used to suck his balls inside hiself as a Christmas 283 00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:26,040 party trick when we were childer. 284 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:31,840 Maybe empathy balls work under the same sort of general principles. 285 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:35,400 What was the principle behind your uncle sucking his balls in? 286 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:37,440 To be the centre of attention, hai. 287 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,040 Everyone and their goose wanted a glimpse 288 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,200 of Tony's famous flapping sack. 289 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:45,120 So if we can get Jordan to become the centre of attention... 290 00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:47,760 His empathy balls may retract to whence they came. 291 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:49,400 And you are a dote! 292 00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:50,680 Jordan! What are you doing? 293 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:52,360 - Look at you! - That's lovely. I'll take that, absolutely. 294 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:54,080 Daddy, she has children. 295 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:56,000 I know she has children... 296 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:59,160 Historical fact got him into this mess, 297 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:02,320 maybe historical fact will get him out of it. 298 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:05,720 I'm sorry, Lorcan, what did your Uncle Tony do in front of children? 299 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:13,720 Ah! A day's a day, a day is a Monday, a day is a Tuesday... 300 00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:16,280 WOMAN KEENS, FIDDLE PLAYS LAMENT 301 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,040 MILDRED WAILS 302 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:26,840 MUSIC STOPS 303 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,120 A workhouse accident. 304 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,320 Flan was... 305 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,640 ..quite a brave lad. 306 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,640 He squoze under the mangle to fetch a piece of linen... 307 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:45,800 ..got his tottie legs caught in the gears. 308 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:49,160 His final words were... 309 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:54,600 HIGH—PITCHED VOICE: Ohh! Me legs! Me legs! 310 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,400 Just how he was in life, 311 00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:00,200 always smiling. 312 00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:03,160 Sleep, my child. 313 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:06,440 Oh! 314 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:08,520 My beautiful blue-eyed boy! 315 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:12,960 Lovely wee legs bent in all directions! 316 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,000 North, east, south, west. 317 00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:19,560 But the blame points only to one. 318 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:25,840 Crushed by a machine, indeed - the machine of greed, 319 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,320 the machine of England, 320 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:30,440 the machine of Marquess Harrington! 321 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:33,960 But I will tell you what, sir, 322 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:37,080 his father will not go down so easily, 323 00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:39,720 you limey, limp cock shagbag! 324 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:49,360 Grief can turn even the best men sour. 325 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:51,760 First the blight. 326 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:56,040 Now your only child crumpled 327 00:17:56,040 --> 00:18:00,360 by the gears of an industrial-grade linen mangle. 328 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:06,280 Your family has literally gone through the mill. 329 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:09,640 Without Master Flan's workhouse earnings 330 00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:13,000 I know that rent will be hard to come by, but I believe 331 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:16,080 I have a new role that you will both find most agreeable. 332 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:20,480 A new job, Prontius. 333 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:26,640 I am a good master, am I not? 334 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:31,880 Yes, master. 335 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:46,560 I have to protest glue myself to McMullen's food bank at six, 336 00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,280 so this better not take long. 337 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:51,080 Oh, it's just a new exhibit, but I... 338 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:53,840 ..I have a feeling you're going to like it. 339 00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:55,160 Come on! 340 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:56,920 Flatty Fair! Woo! 341 00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,920 Tough crowd. 342 00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:03,960 We have two very, very flat fellas here today. 343 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:06,000 Go on, boys, turn around! Show 'em, show 'em. 344 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:07,320 Oh, now, look at that. 345 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:10,000 Oh, God! Oh, wow, Jordan! 346 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:14,880 It looks like they really loved flat bums back in the olden days. 347 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:16,920 You would have been the centre of attention 348 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,520 with that cheese grater, that's for sure. 349 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:24,600 So if there be any last-minute impromptu volunteers from the crowd. 350 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,680 Anyone with a flat hole? 351 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:30,680 Did this actually used to happen, Gemma? 352 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:33,120 Well, I mean, it's in a folk museum 353 00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:35,560 so it kind of has to have had, right? 354 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:36,840 Anybody at all? 355 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:39,560 Anybody at all? 356 00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:41,480 Jordan, you know it's really important 357 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:42,840 that we learn from the past. 358 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:45,920 How about you get up there and put yourself in their shoes? 359 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:46,960 What do you say? 360 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,600 Put myself in the shoes of a fella with a flat bum? 361 00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:52,360 Come on! It's the flattest bum I've ever seen 362 00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:53,600 in my whole life, I swear. 363 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:57,240 Go on! 364 00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:58,760 Get up there! 365 00:19:58,760 --> 00:20:00,640 Anybody? 366 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,200 Get up there! 367 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,880 Hey! Jordan McCafferty, everyone! 368 00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:05,480 Come on now! Yeah! 369 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:07,040 A gong farmer. 370 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:09,760 What's gong? 371 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,240 Piss and shit. 372 00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:14,880 A piss and shit farmer. 373 00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:19,520 Who wants to give this young fellow a job to do? 374 00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:21,360 Me, please! 375 00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:22,880 I'd love to help out. 376 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:30,880 I... I think I would love to just go back to doing the farmer stuff. 377 00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:37,720 Some roles are more important than others. 378 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:41,400 Some play Marquess Harrington, some play Jesus Christ. 379 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:43,440 Your role is to clean shit. 380 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,720 That's the role you've always been destined for. 381 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,440 You're a little shitmonger. 382 00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:53,320 Do it with authenticity, 383 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:54,800 do it with grace, 384 00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:57,520 and you will literally be making history. 385 00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:58,600 Good lad. 386 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,880 It's only a tiny piece, anyway. 387 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:19,800 Oh! 388 00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:22,200 I'm up here in heaven now, Daddy. 389 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:26,360 I hope my sacrifice got the nasty marquess off your back. 390 00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:40,200 What the fuck? 391 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:43,360 What do you have in your hand? 392 00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:45,280 It's a wee round shite. 393 00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:47,400 I do little round shites. 394 00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:48,960 Here, this is what you wanted. 395 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:50,600 I'm only doing what you asked, Phillip. 396 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,480 I'm a wee gong...farmer. 397 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:53,680 I'm a wee gong farmer. 398 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:55,280 Prontius, Prontius, we can work something out. 399 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:57,800 Phillip, Phillip, Phillip... Here, folks, would yous like to see me 400 00:21:57,800 --> 00:21:59,160 wash my entire fucking body with it? 401 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:01,080 Here, would you like a wee bit? 402 00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:03,840 Hey, Callum, this is not Museum Park protocol. 403 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:06,160 Phillip, I don't know what to tell yer. I have lost the run of myself. 404 00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:07,200 Hai! 405 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:08,480 Don't throw my own shit at me! 406 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:10,160 Does anyone want to help me work it out? 407 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:12,560 Hey, hey, Callum, it's Phillip talking. 408 00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:13,960 Unhand the faeces. 409 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:18,880 Unhand the faeces! 410 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:22,840 Oh! Oh, my God! 411 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:26,840 You've got shit on my eye! 412 00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,400 It's in my eyebrow! 413 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:33,200 I'm very sorry about that, Phillip. 414 00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,200 - Very sorry. - Do you think that's funny? 415 00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:39,760 - Yeah. - I'll tell you what's funny, when Fran... - Flan. 416 00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:42,240 ..lost his...was caught in the gears 417 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:44,120 and his legs were mashed up 418 00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:46,400 and his knees were popping like grapes! 419 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:50,720 Well, you know the thing about that, Phillip? 420 00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:53,720 Angels don't need knees... 421 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:57,080 OTHERWORLDLY MUSIC 422 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:02,680 ..cos they've got wings, baby. 423 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:05,400 OTHERWORLDLY MUSIC 424 00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:14,320 How do they land, huh? 425 00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:16,680 Ah, you jogging away all happy 426 00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:18,080 cos you can't answer the question! 427 00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:21,160 How does an angel without legs land? 428 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:40,800 An arse so flat you could use it to straighten shelves. 429 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:43,960 Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner! 430 00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:45,360 CHEERS 431 00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:47,440 - Hooray! - Wooo! 432 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:49,600 We're so proud of you, Jordan! 433 00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:17,200 My flat ass trophy. 434 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:20,320 It's funny, you know, it almost makes it more meaningful 435 00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:22,320 when it's the only thing I've got. 436 00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:24,840 Well, we could chat to the charity shops and see 437 00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:27,000 if we can get any of your stuff back, too. 438 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:30,920 Well, yeah, obviously. I don't want to be a poor person any more. 439 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:35,960 Hey, I'm really sorry about your job, Cally. 440 00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:37,440 Ah, it's all right. 441 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:40,520 I think a job like that should be left where it belongs - 442 00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,000 history. 443 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:44,680 That is gorgeous. 444 00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:48,520 Yeah. Guys, can I just quickly say I am honestly 445 00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:50,840 just so relieved that that is, like, 446 00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:54,400 the only bad thing that happened between England and Ireland. 447 00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:57,080 I'd just... I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I'd feel 448 00:24:57,080 --> 00:25:01,800 so incredibly guilty if there was, like, literally anything else. 449 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:08,840 I think that's enough history for one day, huh? 450 00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:10,000 Uh-huh. 451 00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:13,760 What are you talking about? 452 00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:15,240 Ahh, Jordan! 453 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:17,160 Don't worry about it. Come on.